At Home With Grandma

As I've grown older holidays have taken on new meaning for me. As much as a time for celebration, they now stand out as bold milestones marking yet another year passed. On Mother's Day this year I was especially struck by that feeling.

So much has happened in the past year. Was it only 12 months ago that my family sat doing needle point together in my Grandma's garden? Now her home of over 50 years sits vacant waiting to be sold. Half of her cherished possessions are still inside because there isn't room for everything in her apartment at the memory care center where she has lived since March.

Sudden-onset dementia forced itself into our lives this winter. Fortunately, my Grandma has the type that comes and goes, so although sometimes she doesn't know where she is or who we are, other days we still get the gift of her full presence. (I love those days.)

I'm glad she was completely with us the day we moved her, even though that day has left a permanent scar on my heart. My mom had been explaining the plan to her for weeks, but nothing could prepare her. None of us were prepared.

It was more than Grandma could bear to see her living room with her couch moved out. She collapsed into my arms and sobbed. It was the first time I've seen her cry. She knew she was no longer in control. Dementia had moved in and taken over without consent.

Nothing about that day was easy. We went through the motions like robots wearing fake smiles as we introduced Grandma to her new home. We were going to make this a happy place if our lives depended on it, damn it!

The definition of home just had to change.

It hasn't been easy (of course not), but Grandma has actually adjusted quite well to her new surroundings. My wonderful mom is still there everyday, so that's why it is home, but Grandma is also enjoying some of the activities and social interaction enabled through community living.

My kids wish we could move in to the unit next door! How cool would it be to live in a place with a daily packed agenda of balloon volleyball, miniature golf, manicures, sing-a-longs, and arts and crafts?! It's just like preschool.

It really is.

On Mother's Day I saw my Grandma cry again, when she read the card from my mom. "This makes me so sad," she said. "Because I'm no good anymore."

She was fully present. But she was totally wrong. I hope we convinced her of that. No matter where she is - in mind or body - my Grandma continues to teach me more about love and life than I ever knew possible.

I love you, Grandma.

In the Presence of Greatness

"You are lucky to be in the Twin Cities," were among the closing words by writer Brain Malloy last weekend at The Loft's Children's & Young Adult Literature Conference.

There is no denying the truth of his statement after spending two days with local authors David LaRochelle, Debra Frasier, Lisa Bullard, Lynne Jonell, Molly Beth Griffin, Kurtis Scaletta, Dara Dokas, and many noteable others. I was awed and honored to be in their presence and am still feeling the afterglow.

According to Malloy, the Twin Cities is second only to New York in the number of authors, editors, and literary learning opportunities.

Let me tell you, it was quite humbling to sit in The Loft's Target Performance Hall as one of more than two hundred writers all chasing the same dream.

Can I compare to them? Am I really one of them? The answer is YES.

It's not a matter of confidence or talent, it's a matter of passion. As Lynne Jonell put it in her presentation about the challenges of seeking publication: "A writer writes, regardless."

With those words ringing in my ears and my heart, I had the courage to introduce myself to David LaRochelle - albeit completely star struck -and have the best moment of my weekend (year? life?) chatting with him while he autographed two of his books for me. What an honor!

The entire weekend was far beyond my expectations. It was inspiring to hear from powerhouse editor Arthur A. Levine that for him it's "all about love." It was invigorating to discuss motivation techniques with Lisa Bullard over lunch at Spill the Wine. And it was encouraging to get a peek at David LaRochelle's original manuscripts prior to edit (they actually needed work!).

The whole experience was rewarding in a way that my 20 plus pages of notes can hardly represent.

This community is home to me. I've found my place.

Earth Day Musings

I am thrilled to have the day off work today so I can spend Earth Day enjoying nature. It was wonderful to have some quiet time this morning snuggling with my cats, listening to the choir of birds, and admiring the emerging green in my backyard. Bliss!

It has been a long while since I have added words to this blog because my free time has been filled with another kind of writing. I have finally completed a long labor of love - a children's book manuscript about environmental appreciation and conservation. My goal was to finish it by Earth Day and I am thrilled that I met that milestone. Still, it's a long road ahead of editing and the difficult quest to find a publisher. If anyone would like to step forward as a reviewer I would be more than pleased to have as many eyes on it as possible. This is a life dream that I must accomplish!

I decided to focus my energy into a children's book because I believe that kids are natural nature lovers and if we nurture their instincts and teach them good habits we can help cultivate a green hearted generation that will eventually be the decision makers in this world. I dare to believe that our beautiful planet still stands a chance of regaining the respect it deserves and I hope my kids will be part of that movement!

Although my environmental focus has turned to educating children, I haven't completely given up on the adults! This year I became part of our Environmental Committee at work where we are making progress in establishing eco-friendly business practices and educating employees on ways they can make a difference. I started a grassroots viral campaign based of the One Small Change blog movement I took part in last year. I also organized our first "Talking Green" lunch & learn event where we are hosting speakers from Minnesota Grown to discuss the benefits of eating local and organic and the resources available for natural food. If you are interested in receiving the 30th Anniversary Edition of the Minnesota Grown Directory, you can order it for free on the website. A great listing of local farmers markets, CSA farms, garden centers, orchards and more!

So, although I decided to retire my green blog last year, my passion for the topic remains strong. I am SO excited for SPRING to be here so I can get outside more and enjoy this wonderful world! Today, the kids and I are going to head out for a little neighborhood clean up to honor our Earth - its the least we can do in exchange for all it provides us.

Have a Happy Earth Day all! Do something to make a difference today and enjoy!

Opening A Window

I started off the new year in a slump. So bad that I wrote an uber depressing blog post that I have since deleted as some things are just better left undocumented. I am ready to get my spunk back and would rather shine the light on that. Life is so much more fun while focusing on the positive!

On my way home today I was listening to The Current and Mary Lucia was talking about how she sleeps with the window open even when the temps are below zero. "But don't you freeze?" she was asked. No, she responded, because the colder it gets the closer her pets snuggle up to her. I love the picture in my mind of her smooshed between her dog and cats creating their own little world of warmth within the frigid space. A perfect metaphor for my life right now. Even though I've been feeling a chill from certain areas of my life, I am leaving the window open because the people who really matter are keeping me warm with their loving spirits.

Thanks to those who love me no matter what.

With that perspective, I am looking forward to an awesome 2011. No expectations for anything particular this year. Just an openness to feeling cozy in the right now.