Love Each Day

Nothing puts life into perspective like the word cancer.

Yesterday, about 4:30, I was at work trying to wrap things up before catching the 5:00 bus so I could run to a meeting to plan t-shirts for an event at the girls' school. My cell phone rang (it never rings) - it was a number I didn't recognize. To the best of my shock-blurred memory, here's how the conversation went...

Me: Hi, this is Jen.

Doc: Um, hi Jen, this is Dr. Nagel calling. Um, remember when I did your pelvic exam and thought that your uterus felt enlarged? Well, after looking at the ultrasound, it looks like I was wrong. What I actually was feeling was a mass on your ovary.

Me (completely stunned): I can't believe it took you a week to call me about this. I had already written it off as no-news-is-good-news.

Doc: Well, it takes a couple days to read the ultrasound and then it goes to my inbox and I was out... Anyway, we need to take out that ovary right away. We need to schedule surgery. The mass is solid and it is not fibroidal.

Me: So you think I have ovarian cancer?

Doc: Well [long pause] we don't know anything yet. There are other things it could be. There is no fluid in your pelvis, so that's good. But we need to get it out right away. I will have someone call you to set up surgery. Actually, you know, maybe we should have an oncologist do the surgery so we don't have to open you up twice if we need to test your lymph nodes and such as well. Do you want me to have an oncologist do the surgery?

Me: I don't know. I need you to tell me what I need to do.

Doc: I'm going to refer you to the oncologist. I think they should do the surgery.

Me: I'm freaking out.

Doc: Don't worry. Someone will call you tomorrow to schedule. Don't worry.

Me: Ok, thank you. Good bye.

Then I fell apart. I cried and feared the worst right there at work where five minutes before I had been stressing about a tight deadline for a web project and joking with my boss about the firehose of work that seems to be hitting our office lately.

Here's where my mind went: when I used to spend my time worrying about illness and death, my fear was always that I would have my life cut short and miss out on something. But now I have everything that I ever really wanted and all I can think is that I don't want my kids to miss out on having a mom.

So, I have an appointment with a gyn oncologist at the U of M next week. I don't know the verdict on the big bad C word yet, so I just need to hold out hope. But its funny how quick my priorities have shifted into order.

I feel very blessed to have a waterpark overnight planned with the family this weekend. I can't think of anything better than 24 hours straight of kid smiles.

I guarantee not a minute of the time before my appointment will go unappreciated. And I intend to enjoy many millions of minutes more after that...