Marriage with Intention

In my previous post about my lack of attention to my marriage last year, I mentioned that I planned to read Elizabeth Gilbert's new book, Committed. Well, I just finished it and frankly kind of wish I would have devoted the time to my marriage instead (I was reminded of how when reading Eat, Pray, Love I grew terribly tired of Gilbert's company somewhere in India). Still, I read Committed cover to cover because I had a hunch that Gilbert wouldn't break her trend of happy endings and, in that regard, she did not fail me.

I completed the book with one dog-eared page that may have made the whole book worth my time. Funny enough, the passage that spoke to me was a quote from another author:

The poet Jack Gilbert...wrote that marriage is what happens "between the memorable." He said that we often look back on our marriages years later, perhaps after one spouse has died, and all we can recall are "the vacations and emergencies" - the high points and low points. The rest of it blends into a blurry sort of daily sameness. But it is that very blurred sameness, the poet argues, that comprises marriage. Marriage is those two thousand indistinguishable breakfasts, where intimacy turns like a slow wheel. How do you measure the worth of becoming that familiar to somebody - so utterly well known and so thoroughly ever-present that you become an almost invisible necessity, like air?

I love the comfort of that passage and I truly feel that in my own marriage, so maybe I was thinking of it all wrong. Last year wasn't easy with my husband's job loss and all, but in the end it all bonds us closer together and strengthens the intimacy between us.

Still, I am and always have been an adventure seeker, so a little excitement in my marriage is never a bad thing. So, I was thrilled that Feng Shui consultant Ann Drew Yu focused her February newsletter on this very topic. Here's the formula that Ann and her husband are using to bring "the butterfly feeling" back into their dates:

Manageable: Once-a-month

Unpredictable: The date activity has to be new - something you've never done.

Surprise element: You can't reveal the plans for the date to the other until you're pulling out of the driveway.

Taboo: No talking kids or finances allowed. Period.

Dress code: It's a date. Dress like it.

Shared responsibility: Alternate who's in charge. The person in charge also manages kid coverage.

I like it! Somewhere in between Jack Gilbert's definition of marriage and Ann Drew Yu's formula for butterflies, I think I know where happiness for me and my husband lies. It's always right there - we just need to be intentional about it.

Of course, this whole recent situation with my health helps put it all in perspective as well. My honey will be there holding my hand at the oncologist tomorrow and hopefully we'll be celebrating together after a successful surgery very soon. I hope I'm not in the infirmary too long, because I can't wait to see what he'll plan for our first mystery date!